The Pitfalls of Dating the Elderly
Kelly's thirtieth birthday brought with it something of a revelation.
The day started out innocuously enough. Her boyfriend, Dan, was visiting from America. They had been in a long-distance relationship for over a year now, and things seemed to be going well. Each time they had met (which counting this visit, was twice) they had got on well and always seemed to have plenty to talk about during their transatlantic telephone conversations. Dan had now met her family, something Kelly had been quite apprehensive of as the fact that there was a thirty eight year age gap between herself and Dan meant that he was closer to her parents' age than he was to her own. To Kelly's relief, however, no one had seemed to mind the age difference and everyone had got on remarkably well.
This evening there would be a chance for Dan to meet some of her friends. Of course, they had all seen pictures and had declared that Dan didn't look a day over fifty and no one would mistake him for Kelly's father. The plan for the evening was that they would all meet up, have a meal and head to Funderland, which was in town for a few days. Kelly was sure that Dan had never been to anything like this, well not recently at any rate but she was sure he would enjoy it.
They met her friends outside Jury's Inn. She had invited her work colleagues Holly and Caroline (who had made the rare transition from 'work friends' to 'real-life friends') and they would be bringing a 'plus-one' each. Their partners Mark and Ashley would be male company for Dan. Kelly only hoped that Michelle, the other friend she had invited, wouldn't feel too left out. Michelle would be the only single person at the table. She was also Kelly's oldest friend, as they had met on the first day of high school. She had said that there was no way she wouldn't be coming to meet this American whom Kelly had fallen head over heels in love with.
'Hi everyone, this is Dan.' Kelly smiled nervously. As Kelly introduced Dan to her friends she was acutely aware of how old he looked compared to the other men in the party. She pushed the thought to the back of her mind. Thankfully she was distracted by the arrival of Michelle, who Kelly knew she could always rely on regardless of what was happening in her life. Kelly introduced Dan to Michelle, and soon the entire party were engaged in conversation. Dan was telling everyone about their day.
'We had a great time, we went to St George's Market first, tried some amazing hot chocolate, then had lunch in a gorgeous Japanese restaurant, then we went to Victoria Square I think it's called and climbed up to the Dome, the view was amazing. Kelly makes a great guide.'
'Maybe next time you come over we could all do something together,' suggested Ashley. 'We've had American friends over before who loved the Ulster-American Folk Park. It's not too far away.'
'Yeah, there are so many connections between America and Ireland. Even Obama's said to have Irish blood. My grandparents were from Tipperary originally. I'd love to come back and live in Ireland, it's always been my dream.'
They chatted amongst themselves for a while longer, then the food arrived. In the middle of eating his garlic mushrooms, Dan excused himself.
'I'll be back soon,' he whispered to Kelly.
Over twenty minutes passed and the waiter arrived to take away their starter plates. There was still no sign of Dan.
'He'll be back soon,' said Kelly confidently. 'He takes ages in the toilet. He's worse than a woman!'
The others laughed politely. Only Michelle. who was sitting opposite Kelly, looked concerned.
'Maybe you should go and check on him,' she said quietly. 'Maybe he's got lost.'
Kelly made to get up from the table, but as she did so, Dan reappeared.
'They've taken away my starter,' he pouted. 'I hadn't finished.'
'Your main course will be here soon, ' Kelly tried to placate him.
The rest of the meal was a disaster. The conversation was limited to requests to pass the gravy, and as a consequence the party of seven finished their meal in virtual silence. With the exception of Kelly, each of them were thinking how rude this man was. He had gone off for twenty five minutes in the middle of dinner and had not even seen fit to apologise when he had come back. Even a lame excuse, like there had been a massive queue for the toilets, would have been something. Kelly, on the other hand, was feeling bad for Dan. She had noticed how quiet the others had been and was annoyed that they weren't making allowances for her man. After all, he was that bit older than them and everyone knew that older guys could have trouble with their waterworks and the like. It wasn't his fault.
They finished the meal and settled the bill. As soon as they left the restaurant, the problems started.
'Kelly, I think we're just going to head home,' announced Caroline. 'I've got a bit of a headache coming on.'
'I'm sorry too, Kelly, we're not coming to Funderland either,' said Holly. She mouthed 'Time of the month' at her friend. Actually, Holly had had her period two weeks ago and Caroline's head wasn't in the slightest bit sore, but neither of them wanted to go on witnessing the horrible car crash that this evening had become. This was painfully obvious to Kelly.
Michelle noticed it too. 'Well, I'll come along with you and Dan,' she said. She had been friends with Kelly for years and no way was she going to let her be humiliated by those two smug-marrieds. She linked arms with Kelly. 'See you guys later.' And all three of them marched off in the general direction of Funderland, leaving the others staring bleakly after them.
At Funderland, it was clear that all was not well in the Irish-American alliance. Dan refused point blank to go on any of the rides. His excuse? 'I might put my back out.' Even when Kelly suggested something inoffensive, like the Ghost Train, she was greeted with stony silence. Instead she and Michelle went on the rides and had a great time. They started off with the dodgems and had a great time bumping into each other (and total strangers as well.) Something called 'The Wheel of Fury' also went down well. Kelly and Michelle screamed so much that their throats were sore when they got off. They finished off their hour or so of teen-like amusement with a trip on the Ghost Train. They minded their manners though, and as soon as they got off one ride they went back to where Dan was sitting, and asked if there was anything he wanted, or if he would like to accompany them on the next ride. The answer was always an extremely petulant 'No.'
Regardless of how Dan was behaving, Michelle was determined to see that Kelly enjoyed the evening. After all, it was Kelly's thirtieth birthday, and she would only have one of those. So Michelle had pooh-poohed Kelly's suggestion that she should go and sit with Dan while Michelle went on the Ghost Train by herself. It looked to her like Dan thought Kelly should treat him like royalty just because he had flown 5000 miles to celebrate her birthday with her. Except he wasn't really joining in too much with the celebration.
Dan was feeling a little put out by the festivities. As a single man of a cerrtain age, he was used to doing his own thing and didn't like having the unexpected foisted on him. Funfairs and Ghost Trains were all very well but they had lost their appeal for him long ago. So when Kelly and Michelle came back he decided to call it a night.
'Kelly, sweetheart, would you mind if I went back to my hotel? I'm not having a great time here. This isn't really my thing.'
'Ok, well, I think we're going to go and get some chips but you should be able to get a taxi outside and I'll pick you up tomorrow morning for our trip to Hillsborough, just like we arranged.'
Dan pouted. 'I've had a horrible evening. I don't want to go back to my hotel alone.'
Kelly looked at him in disbelief. 'Did you ever ask yourself why you've had a horrible evening? You disappeared for twenty five minutes during dinner and then when you came back you didn't even apologise or explain what took you so long...'
''I'm sorry.....'
'Did it even occur to you to apologise until I pulled you up about it just now? And where were you anyway? And don't tell me you were just at the toilet, because no one, not even you, could spend twenty five minutes in the loo! Not unless you were doing stuff I don't want to know about!'
'I was on the phone to Gordon,' Dan admitted sheepishly.
'Why were you on the phone to Gordon?' shouted Kelly. 'Were we not good enough company for you or something?'
People were starting to stare by this point but Kelly really wasn't bothered. A lot of things were coming to the surface now. The fact that Dan had initially lied about his age in his internet profile, telling Kelly he was forty-five instead of sixty-five (he'd used special software to get rid of the wrinkles and change his hair colour.) He was slightly unreliable too, often she would send emails or leave voicemail messages to which he would take days to respond. Then Kelly was fraught with worry that something terrible had happened to him. When he did eventually get in touch he was blase about the lack of communication, telling Kelly he had been busy with his friends or his elderly mother. All this pent up anger and frustration had to come out sometime. Unfortunately for those in attendance at Funderland that evening, tonight was the night.
Dan decided he'd better try to defend himself. 'I hadn't spoken to Gordon for a few days and we needed to catch up.'
'Oh my....He's your boyfriend isn't he? No wonder we never kissed properly or ...anything like that. I can't believe I never saw it until now!'
'Kelly, sweetie, Gordon's not my boyfriend. He's never been a threat to you. Just because we're two single men over the age of sixty who spend a lot of time together doesn't mean that we're a couple. I mean, you and Michelle spend time together. And you're always going to see your friend Gracie in Edinburgh. That doesn't make me think there's more to it than meets the eye.'
'I don't spend twenty five minutes on the phone to either Michelle or Gracie when I'm meant to be having dinner with you, do I? You don't get it, do you? If you'd said you were going to phone him, that would have been a bit more acceptable than what actually happened. I don't understand why you feel you have to lie or hide things from me unless there is actually something to hide.'
'I am fed up with this,' shouted Dan. 'I came all the way here to celebrate your birthday with you and this is how you treat me? I have spent so much money getting here. After I missed my plane I had to pay five thousand dollars to get on another flight! I don't think you understand the sacrifices that I've made to come here.'
'Don't lie to me, Dan, you were probably never booked on that flight in the first place! After all the lies you've told me, about your age and your supposedly dead sister who I actually had an email from last week, I can't believe a word that comes out of your mouth!'
Kelly launched herself at Dan, scratching and kicking and slapping and screaming. Eventually she was pulled off him by the Funderland security staff who escorted all three of them to the door. (Not wanting to be left out, Michelle had joined in the kicking and punching frenzy.) They were ejected unceremoniously into the street.
As they silently waited for a taxi, Kelly and Michelle each wondered how the evening had turned out so badly. It had all been Dan's fault, they decided. And now he was nowhere to be seen.
Michelle looked at Kelly. 'Are you ok?'
'I think so. Although I'm probably in shock. Give me about a week, then I'll be in floods of tears. How did this happen, Michelle? How did I end up with someone like that? It's true what Karen says, you're better left on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard. I was fed up being on the shelf. I never thought I would meet anyone, then I met Dan, now it's all gone pear-shaped. Oh well, wasn't meant to be. Will we get that taxi?'
As Kelly and Michelle climbed into the car, they were seized by a bout of nervous hysteria. The taxi driver looked at them oddly as they sat laughing uncontrollably, with tears streaming down their faces. Somehow, in those moments, they knew that everything would turn out fine.
Dan, meanwhile, was on the phone to Gordon bemoaning the loss of yet another relationship with someone less than half his age. What was it with these women? They always thought he and Gordon were an item. There was nothing wrong with two men having a close friendship. And sharing a bed occasionally, if the nights were cold or one was upset. A bit of cuddling never did anyone any harm.
Dan went back to America the next day. There was nothing in Ireland now for him, and he needed to see Gordon. Maybe there was more to their friendship than he had previously thought. Dan had never before considered that he might be gay but after what Kelly (and a few others before her had said) he had to think about the possibilty. He knew that he felt happier and more secure with Gordon that he ever had with anyone else, and if that made him gay, he would be out and proud.
